NI set for WAR! (Everyone pretends)

Northern Ireland sits at the knife edge of war! Except if you actually live here, in which case Northern Ireland sits at the edge of a bar happily drinking and reading the Racing Post.

Community representative Jim Johnston said: “War? Your hoop. I’m not getting off this stool until the The One Show is over and happy hour too. 

“Sorry, I didn’t realise you were an English journalist mate. In that case, this here post-conflict community is at the precipice of an implosion or something so it is. Will that do?”

Meanwhile Sean McDaid, who makes commemorative engraved petrol bombs and autographed George Best fivers for the tourist market, told a Cockney FM researcher: “Aye, if it gets any worse wankers like the Cranberries and Bono are going to start writing songs about us again.

“But Brexit, now that’s the wrong border to be worried about. If the supply of cheap Scottish lager dries up, we’ll all fucked.

“Still, I’ll let on for the craic. Have you lot got your cheque-book out yet?!”

Jim had a final thought: “They’d better stop saying ‘Priimark’ instead of ‘Preemark’ though. People have been shot for less”.

The deception has been helped along by providing media in England with a live webcam linked to Lurgan.